I keep writing, not finishing, not posting. I want my writing to serve me. I want it to make me feel better. I’m just going to write something and post it no matter what it is.
I’ve been angry constantly. I’m pissed at everything and everyone. Much of the time I feel filled with hate. I’m also convinced that everyone hates me. Maybe if I could figure out what I was angry about I could fix it and then I would feel better. I always think if I find the root of the problem I will fix it and feel better. It never seems to work.
I’ve gotten into the habit of wanting to take things to make myself feel better. But there are times when taking something (weed or kratom) doesn’t help with anything and often makes me feel worse. That is the place I am in right now.
I want to feel peace so desperately but I can’t find it.
I started having symptoms in 2010/2011. In 2012 it got worse. In 2013 it got so bad that I spent almost the entire year in bed. I think it was right around the beginning of 2014 that I began having short windows of healing. I remember the first one so clearly. I had been taking Doxycycline for two months to treat Lyme. I went into the city (San Francisco) to do a few things. The energy of the city inspired me, as it always does.
A makeup brand was having a promotional event. Suddenly I found myself in the middle of it. There were beautiful male glam experts, models, and thick clouds of hair spray. Everything was glittery pink and chocolate-brown. A woman asked me if I wanted my makeup done. I would normally say no, but I was caught up in the energy and instead said yes. She did my eyes and lips. For the first time in forever, I felt beautiful. I felt alive. I had my camera with me so I took a few pictures.
I went home and my partner told me that my eyes were gleaming.